“Everyone should be in therapy!”
Is it so??
I hear this quite often and despite being a great enthusiastic and practitioner, my answer is: No. I don’t think everyone should either be in or start going to therapy.
Whether being on one side as a professional, or on the other side as a patient, I believe in the therapeutic process as the best (self) investment that can be made.
Through this treatment, the individual learns about himself- his personal and family story, how he feels and reacts, his own dynamics, and at the same time, also begins to notice and understand better how others interact with him.
This means that he can learn more about himself as well as about those around him.
It seems curious that we are updated in sophisticated technologies, well informed about so many subjects and, at the same time, literally so ignorant of our own functioning: of how and why we react, what frightens, confuses, triggers, energizes or even makes us happy.
However, it cannot be said that “everyone should do it” because there are prerequisites for this. I would say there are basically three, the first being the Necessity.
Although some individuals often say they want to “get to know themselves better” as a reason to start therapy, it always seems to me that the reason for seeking treatment is because they can no longer understand or deal by themselves with certain aspects of their own life, relationships, problems, or other difficulties.
This does not mean it is a deliberate lie or an intention to either “fool” himself or the therapist. The point here is a generalization: in fact, we don’t want to change, but we need to because we’re having problems with our previous ways of working issues out. Changes may even be consciously and theoretically desired very much, but they are primarily necessary or essential at the moment.
Similar to our physiological functioning, the emotional one is also driven towards preservation and maintenance. Put bluntly: we don’t want (exactly) to change, but what we used to do before no longer works. This simple.
The second point is disposition. Repeating: Disposition.
The readiness and motivation to face this process, which is quite peculiar, fearfull and makes many people feel strange.
“So, I talk to someone I’ve never met before, tell my problems, expose difficult subjects and intimacies, without knowing anything about this person’s life? Just like this?!?”
“How can someone who doesn’t know me at all help dealing with my issues better than myself, a friend or any family member? This is not possible.”
And the third point is Courage. You expose dark sides, “shadows” that are already difficult to make contact with being on your own, let alone in front of someone !
Need, willingness and courage have to be present at the same time. You may know or even feel that you would benefit from a therapy, but if you don’t have the openness to face the process, it won’t happen.
There are also several stereotypes and distortions about it. I’ll list some just as examples :
“Therapy is essential and everyone should do it.”
“Therapy is only for the weak and/or very problematic ones.”
“It’s just for freaks.” (Yes, we still hear this in the 21st century. Fortunately, less and less.)
“It’s only for rich people.”
“It’s a fraud. No one can know you better than yourself.” (Or your parents, loved ones, friends.)
In contrast, here we go:
Not everyone needs, wants or can be in therapy. It takes determination, modesty and strength to start this process- in fact, it is for the strong ones. The “problematic” may have more apparent needs for treatment, but the range of “needed” is broader; it only takes to be human to have conflicts, pains and doubts, which is, any of us…
As for the economic aspect, two observations:
Going to a university that involves years of costly studies, internships- which in the clinical area (at least in Brazil), means working for free, and continuing to invest non-stop in expensive studies, courses and specializations thoughout all your professional life to “deceive others” seems a rather stupid purpose financially speaking…
Your mother, boyfriend or friends can (and should) be there for you as the loving ears and shoulders, but they are emotionally involved with you and are not trained to work things out as it is needed to. Without forgetting that they may be part of some of these exact conflicts…
Secondly, and very important, this is one of the few fields where professionals – even the most experienced ones, can frequently negotiate the cost of sessions, often reaching lower or maybe symbolic values. In addition, there are educational and training institutions that offer what’s called “social” or free services.
In short: whoever has the desire, courage and modesty enough to do it, can search for therapy. As for he rest: how, where and with whom, will be easily resolved. Limited financial resources don’t prevent this.
There is another classic line of distortion, this one regarding the therapeutic process, which basically boils down to 2 opposites:
The therapist who “licks” your wounds with you, something like indulging in self-pitty with an echo. You complain, and the professional joins in: “Yeah…poor you ! With parents like that, you can’t really be happy, grow up, resolve your issues or be successful…” (And in this case, you would be dependent on the therapist, of course, because he “understands you”.)
Another is therapy as a “shock treatment”: a strong and endless process of emotional suffering in which you can even “increase” your problems by talking about them so much.
As a work that involves emotions, thoughts, elaboration, understanding, internal reorganization, interpretation, behavior and a series of points – often not very apparent or clear- difficulties, doubts and oppositions may frequently come up.
It is about subjectivity and, as such, it can be poorly understood and also undervalued.
The therapeutic process can be started from specific complaints or demands, but it will always involve bringing out fears, thoughts, feelings, emotions, patterns, vulnerabilities, elaborations of life stories, family. They are self-revelations, reports and reflections about one’s most important relationships, experiences and how they’re experienced.
And the bond with the therapist is essential for this work to happen. It is natural that the recommendation of the professional as someone qualified for the job is an incentive, but empathy is essential.
Certainly the term is familiar; we talk a lot about empathy, but here it can be defined as feeling acceptance, trust and tranquility with that therapist.
Lots of certificates on the wall, referrals from someone very trustworthy, positions in institutions, scientific publications, active social media, etc. won’t be enough if you don’t feel comfortable with the therapist.
The outbreak of the Pandemic showed the importance of mental health care; how much the integration of psychic and emotional aspects to physical health is fundamental for our well-being. This is of great importance to break down prejudice, to take this aspect of health out of the background and help those in need.
Therapy is a hard journey indeed, but the discoveries, insights and changes it brings about are beautiful, thrilling and encouraging for both the patient and the therapist. (Sorry for the sentimentality, but they’re really beautiful!)
It is the best recognition of our work to see someone understand, discover his own “hidden treasures”, feel better, improve and have more fulfilling relationships with others and with life itself.
(De: Saúde mental na pandemia – 77, published in Nov/2nd/21)